heart will travel

I have travelled 112,342.78 kms in the last 12 months..  that’s almost 3 times around the world..  at the moment I am seeking things that spark my heart, remind my soul to be present..  like great food but for my feelings..  I want to find music that takes my breath away.  Toight I have been looking for image inspiration for my next tattoo.. I dunno if I found any but I went down some lovely image tangents..  I shall share..

this is all for now.

just found some old writing of mine..  that I went through for an email re: a new project that I’m very excited about and thought I’d share some here.   I just lost the other blog i was posting.

on the truth between two

there is no feeling stranger (to me) than the argument of the body.. when your skin remembers the intimacy it has shared with another but time/place/stakes have changed and you are uninvited to the flesh. you are not permitted to lay on or by or even to allow your fingers to dance with theirs (secretly drawing out their soul). It screams at you to do it. it pulls itself from your body towards the other and all it wants is one kiss (or so it says) and all this takes place silently. brain must assimilate change or everything dies. (the opposite of what is good)”



ON the fuel that I’m burning on (unrelated to the truth between two):

I caught a glimpse and slept two nights in a world that felt removed from yours. we shut the door, wrapped our arms around each other and changed the rules. in the night it was simple. it was quiet. silent from the noise of both our lives. words and wine. your lips and mine.

(my habit is to make this drama. but it is not - it is this simple.. and i know we know no forever)



I find love in the cracks, in the space between things… between shows, cities, between bed and sleep, on the edge of the night and morning.. I tell an almost stranger that I love them with my lips and I peel back my flesh (sometimes but not always in a calculated manner) and I expose myself as they do them and then we kiss and the darkness fades in and I forget the night and the planes, the emails and the shows, the loneliness - it all disappears, everything - time slows down and becomes one with you and them and it is just the blood in our hearts in our lips and it’s just you and me. I suspend the knowledge that it, this, you or I will be gone in the morning.


Last night you joined an army,
in the folds of my kiss
and in the rolls of my sheets, (shared with you)
enlisted, to a greater cause.
To storm the hills of my history
as one who made me more..

”
Glorybox

I am giving you everything I have.. arms open/arms closed - you don’t want it.
I am not a lady, not a girl.. but I offer you the best of me.

he said ‘one night to be confused’.. and we slept in for months.

soft hands and wet eyes - I’m not convincing you. you are. you are. you tell yourself you are.

the bitter sweet (it’s not bitter sweet, it’s like onions when you wanted ice cream) ‘we could be so happy’.
we could make each other so happy.

could. could.

no number of warm bed nights and hopeful slumbers turn could into can.. find woman in man.

you’re waking up with me and waking up to this..

(should you find it in yourself, the woman you are seeking in me.. I’ll be yours)

my brain has ACTUALLY ceased functioning.  I have been sitting down attempting to write yet another grant approximetely 2 hours now and it’s just NOT happening.  so.. i think I’m resigning myself to not doing any work tonight.. and picking it up tomorrow.

meanwhile.. I’m in a hotel room with a lot of mirrors and I’m watching my face a lot..  I look older.  I look more like a man..  I don’t feel any different to how I did when I was 20..  so it’s strange that I look different.  I suppose I’m 27 now.  things have changed  I’m allowed to look older.  I think perhaps I fit my face better now.

working on curating my own venue in Adelaide.. for Adelaide Fringe.. need to raise a fair bit of money for it..  working on doing some kind of fundraiser in Brisbane soon..  that’s more work that I should be doing but am not.  I think it will actually be more productive for me to just do nothing to do with work tonight and come back to it.

what else?  I’m trying not to talk about work here.. but i think if i don’t have very little to say.  I met a guy last night in townsville he was in his 50’s and he very forcefully told me “you’re the kind of guy who’s just gonna be yourself aren’t you.. and if people don’t like it - you’re gonna tell them to get fucked.  it’s hard to be that strong.  but you’ve gotta lead the way”  and then in the same breath he said “you’ve gotta stop fucking working and enjoy yourself sometimes.  Don’t work so fucking hard that by the time you reach my age you’ve forgotten to fucking live”   and while my initial reaction was.. yeah.. well my work makes me happy. you don’t understand there is a certain spiritual satisfaction that comes with the work I do. which is true.. but in a way it’s also bullshit.

While I do love my work and the people that my work connects me to and exposes me to and the way it challenges me = in so many ways.. it can’t be everything in my world.  so I’m gonna aim for more balance in the next couple of months.   I usually just oscillate in extremes..  working non stop to doing nothing. or work work work - crazy party break - work work work..  I don’t know that this balance is realistically possible but I’m gonna try.  I have a theory about what will happen.  we’ll see.

I did a photo shoot with Polly whom I’m on tour with at the moment the other day..   it was on the side of a high way when we were driving between shows..  I like some of them.  I would like to get a decent camera so I could play with this more.. all of these were taken on a cheap shitty handy cam.

this is all for now.

much love to the world.

x.

There is something strange in growing up or older

a patience

an understanding

perhaps it is something I’ve always had and always ignored - perhaps I have been scared of this stillness until now

but I am no longer in a hurry

I can sense what is coming

the possibilities of the future

the hard work paid off

the people I am meeting now that I will know then

the ones I knew then that will gracefully fade away

(there is not hurt in change, only in resistance to it)

the ones that I have always known before I even say them

the forever right nows

the I’ll see you tomorrows

the reign checks

the i’m sorry i can’t

the i’m sorry i’m nots

the thank you but goodbyes

I stand still with my history at my back (in the absence of fear)

no longer interested in the quick thrill, the shallow fill, the mourning after pill.

not interested in little fights, just great battles for what counts..  for you, for them, the then, the now. not the how but the why. 

for love. always for love.

(I find myself writing in a hotel room, in a town, without internet, without phone, without much.  Wondering why people live here.  There are 8 streets on a grid and dust covered people. they seem less happy to be here than I am.. and I’m not sure that’s possible.  I find myself wondering how or why they do it.. and I hope that it’s love.  Not settling, not fear, not ignorance or niavety but love.  I could almost handle no internet, no phone and 8 streets on a grid for love.

I would like to end it there for the sake of romanticism and how I’d like to see myself but no.  I couldn’t, I need the city. I need the chaos. I need the grit and conflict and the input from strangers. I need the unknown. I need the possibility. the possibility of running inyo you (or you) and getting lost in the possibility of me with you. I need the girl at that coffee shop that reminds me of that time when I was over there doing that thing - that reminds me of who I was and who I am becoming. I need to find who I am in a state of flux. I need to create out of that mess.  I cannot collect dust walking though 8 streets on a grid.  Stagnation breeds death.    this place is not for me.

i think this is one of the most honest pictures of me i’ve seen.. my ego hates it. i look terrible..  but i can see me in there.

this was taken on tour somewhere..

I love that moment when the lights come up on a stage and the rest of the room disappears but the rest of the universe opens up..

currently on tour in regional queensland performing in the role of Odysseus/Ulysses in a production of The Odyssey..

I’m also in the midst of a torrent of grants due within the next two weeks for upcoming projects over the next 12-18 months.

this is what it looks like everywhere:

and this is what it feels like: