I am the drunk one with the loud eyes and the bold soul that looks at yours.. that asks you questions and listens and wants to and knows you and trains you to his touch (like an animal being tamed) until I am the only option. I feed you drinks and time and looks give way to kisses and my hand on your shoulder becomes your hand on my back and our glance of common ground becomes a whisper of the hours to follow in the creases of my sheets recently cleaned of the one before you..
in this wine flavoured darkness we fall into light and burn ourselves into the pages of our histories, of our past, we press hard against each other and into each others future, in hope/ in love / in trying - those hours seeming seconds; covered in sweat, covered in lust, covered in lies - somewhere - in between ours breaths, your moans, our perfect fumbles, my occasional laughter - somewhere in these nocturnal navigations there is truth. there is life. even in this not-quite-loving, there is life.
I’m digging. I’m searching for something. it’s not in the bottle (i checked), it’s not in the glass (it’s empty), it’s not on the internet (though you can find me here), it’s not in my sheets (neither are you), it’s not in the clothes I wear - my too angry to be hipster hair - my demeanor or borderline arrogance that you find charming (but i’ll convince you it is), it’s not in messages or letters from lifetimes ago (i’ve scoured them over and over), it’s not in the sleep that I can’t seem to find (dreams deliver what I cannot), it’s not in my work (i was convinced it was), it’s not in these words (but i write with hope) and it’s not in your eyes (alone, but it hides between yours and mine).. it is in life.
it is in the violent running at it. at you. at this. it is in throwing my heart. it is in baring my soul. it is not wasting time looking but constantly finding. it is in the flying towards the sun and then, like a shooting star, hurtling back to earth. (the fall doesn’t hurt.. only your resistance to it). it is flying back again and again.. getting closer each time. burning brighter. each. time.
