I haven’t written for a long time and I think that’s because I stopped being on tour and stopped having the alone time that life afforded (in a strange way) being back in one city (brisbane) and in full time rehearsals, catching up with people and trying to get into a strange routine..
I was almost entirely without feeling for a few weeks, apart from rage and dissapointment for a couple of things that it would be completely inappropriate for me to voice in this forum.. there was a strange sense of avoiding for me.. I wasn’t sure what I was avoiding.. and I don’t think I could even articulate it until I remembered. Until Friday night.. (dramatic segue)
Friday night, I began working again very casually at the restaurant that allowed me to develop my career as a theatre artist with their flexibility and willingness to have me come and go.. I began working there again partly for money but also because I want to take down time from theatre.. when I’m in theatre zone it consumes my brain and all my energy.. if I don’t actively get out of that.. I will just keep working and I’ve done that too often across too many years and I know that it’s in my best interest and in the interest of my longevity to take breaks like this.. I know a lot of people take ‘holidays’ but doing nothing isn’t not my idea of relaxing.. and actually travelling no longer feels much like a holiday either. So I stay in one place for my holidays and I develop a routine.. and I have a life for a litle while where the stakes are not as high as I make them for myself as a theatre director. My responsibility is minimal.. the worst thing that can happen is someone doesn’t get their food or they get short changed or a register is out at the end of the night and in the words of my dear friend beth “nobody dies”.. the rest of my life I live like it is life or death. I know it’s art and I know people likely won’t live or die in the literal sense of those words for what I do.. but I have to work like they will or the work doesn’t mean enough. I have to believe and I do believe - what I do (as an artist) can and will change lives. I tangent.
So I began working at this place again.. it unsettled me on friday night. I did not know how I felt about it. I thought it might have just been the sense of maybe going backwards but it’s not that - I know I’m not moving backwards at the moment. It was feeling like I was in the presence of ghosts.. you see.. the last time I fell in love it was in that place.. across that kitchen.. out the back of that restaurant.. it began over 2 and a half years ago in that building and I’m still not over it. It’s odd.. that same night I began back at that place I was out at Tora (from the Danger Ensemble’s) going away party.. she’s moving to Canada.. and I ran into a mutual friend of me and said ex love.. and he said ‘I ran into our mutual friend a few months ago’ (obviously he didn’t say mutual friend.. but as I am about to reveal our relationship was not a public one and in the best pursuit of privacy I shall not divulge) and I said.. ‘oh yea..’ and then he said ’ I asked what had been going on and then our mutual friend told me that I should ask ‘smitchy’ (that’s one of my nick names) what had been going on and then he would know.. now this is strange.. very very strange. Me and said ex love, got together out of nowhere in April 2007.. it was a very intense and gentle beginning.. that quickly fell into a very sensitive habit and a beautiful one.. i think it was never going to be forever.. and we both knew that.. but it ended with me knowing I couldn’t make it work so I ended it.. or said I was going to.. my feelings didn’t change.. but we stopped being together.
that was two years ago.. shortly after that conversation lover vanished on every level imaginable.. no answering calls, not reply to text messages, no presence online.. I left the country.. giving plenty of opportunity to say goodbye and nothing.. and then after 2 years lover says to mutual friend to ask ME what’s been going on? well how the FUCK would i know? Needless to say based on that conversation our relationship was no longer a secret..
what the fuck? people do strange things? is that a weird cry out to me? is that a stab at me? I don’t know.. I think I’m still in love though.. or at least I desire closure. If you’re reading this.. where the fuck are you? I once called you the one who ‘entereed bravely’ well, you certainly exited a coward. I loved you and wanted the best for you. I miss your friendship and I hope you are happy. genuinely. I’ve heard recently that you may be a heroine addict. I hope to fucking god this is not the case. I tried calling you immediately upon hearing that just fyi (your phone was disconnected). this is the first time I’ve ever written about you not shrouded with poetry.. and I hope I didn’t do this to you by telling you so often that I wasn’t right for you..
One of these days that shadow or sihlouette I see in my periphery frequently won’t just be a shadow - it’ll be you and I just might have nothing to say. I think I’ve said it all. I might just ask you what the fuck we were? I want tlike that o hear it from your mouth and not just see it in your eyes and then I want you to tell me where the FUCK you have been.. and then promise me that you are gonna fuck off or never fuck off again.
all is in transtion.. we never arrive.
end rant.
LOVE.
