heart will travel

10th March 2010

Post with 1 note

i got tequila in my fringe and I can’t remember you

haven’t blogged in ever.. been busy with living and working and arting and drunking and occassional loving.. this will be a mess and probably incoherent and you probably don’t need to read it.

it’s wednesday afternoon/early evening and I’m sitting out the back on the patio of the lovely lovely people we are staying with’s house..  they offered up their house to us FOR FREE for the entirety of fringe and have been so generous and kind and fun.. they love coopers, they love cigarettes, they love music..  there is coedy who is hilarious and dry and was the one who offered us via twitter in the first place he works at a bank but we don’t hate him - he also has been known to publicly heckle me which is totally fine also but he’s a champion and he has the most kick arse vinyl collection I’ve ever seen with an unhealthy amount of madonna, there is kate who is the cutest thing ever - she reminds me of a cross between betty and wilma from the flintstones with a dash of katy perry and lily allen thrown in and there is the gorgeous mike who is a total sweet heart we’ve been watchings skins together (on the few nights I haven’t been out drunk and I’ve been at home drunk) and we plan on having a skins marathon before I leave but time is running out and I’m not sure when that’s gonna happen but I hope it does.  So this is who I’ve been staying with and there are 5 of us in one room and 2 of us in a tiny other room.. Coedy gave up his bedroom and is sleeping on a shitty mattress in a tiny room which is so fucking kind.  Occasionally I’ve slept elsewhere which leaves space for one actor to spread out..

So may days have been looking like this : get up around midday.. check email, twitter, facebook, talkfringe.com.au and our ticket sales - wait for shower to be available - go into town - check email, twitter, facebook, talkfringe.com.au and check ticket sales..  head towards food (often at ETC) try to talk to strangers about my show and if they seem interested give them free tickets on the condition that they tell all their friends and direct them to talkfringe.com.au and then I head toward the venue on the way I check email, twitter, facebook, talkfringe.com.au and our ticketsales.. then I get to our venue.. I check all the dispensibles from The Hamlet Apocalypse (THA) and make sure nothing needs replacing which it often does (but not tonight because I’ve already checked - wine, dust, disposible camera covered) then I check email, twitter, facebook, talkfringe.com.au and check ticket sales.. then we check in (we being Anniene and I - anniene produced THA and the night begins..  the night has four shows on and THA is on third.. then after the show.. there is the cleaning and the packing up and then it’s all over.. then usually someone says ‘you wanna go the garden or the artist bar?’ and my body says no.. but my heart (which is strong) says yes.. so we go.. there is the obligitory running into a squillion people you know on the way in and out and to the bar.. there is purchasing of drinks and the aquiring of social space.. you sit you talk to you laugh you flirt you see so and so that you haven’t seen since that show 5 years ago or that festival 3 years ago.. there are the awkward moments when you’ve remembered someone and they haven’t remembered you or they’ve remembered you and you not them.. then there is more drinking and flirting and sometimes dancing.. and then you realise you’ve only eaten once today and then order shit food like a serve of wedges from the bar.. and you carry on.  the night ends too early.. you’ve just begun and the bar is closed. you walk away the flirting lingers as you or they trail off and you get to a taxi.. OR to Hungry Jacks (this city is invaded by that chain.. fucking everywhere).. and then you do it all again..

(i think this blog must have been incredibly boring til now)

The show is going greatly..  the show is great.  I really stand behind it.  It’s an experiment and it’s messy and it’s rough and it’s raw and it’s really fucking human. I’m really glad we brought it to fringe and I’m now happy to say that I want it to have another season.. moving into this one I felt like I might want to give it a rest for a while.. but no  - I want to continue to build it.. add in one more actor.. add in more of a set and a custom soundtrack..  and a bit more lighting.. (I have some fun ideas.. lights excite me)
I go through weird phases at events like fringe festivals where I hate theatre and theatre artists and the bullshit that comes along with all that.. but this time round I haven’t really felt that very much.  The artists are very supportive and not competitive but sharing which I think is amazing.

I am still living out of a suitcase and will continue to for quite some time.  I have a lot of things in the pipeline..  doing a big show with a school in Brisbane straight after THA comes down..

The artists I’m surrounded by at the moment are fucking phenomenal - some of the most beautiful people I know in the world have graced this venue - apart from the amazing actors in THA - who are Katrina, Peta, Noa, Dave, Robbie and Lloyd I could write a whole blog about how incredible this guys are.. they make my life - we have Paul the room manager who is a good soul, Emma Dean and her crew were down for 2 weeks - sweet hearts all of them, Mikki Ross who is just a fucking awesome guy he is so much fun to be around I want many of his to travel with me at all times, the Shirley girls charlotte and emma may and their production manager/fucking everything else man Eamon - who are such gentle and intelligent beings, Red Moon Rising whom are Polly (my filthy sister - not really a sister), Ellen and Jeremy who are kick arse… and lastly Jen Kingwell and Tom Dickins  - who have very quickly become two of my most favourite people. We converse a lot about shit, in the shit there are glimpses of truth, I walk away from our (almost nightly) drinks and consider things, and feel like I know them a little more than the day before..  and there is this weird thing that I get when I start getting close to people.. that I’m concerned that they are going to discover that I’m a fraud of some kind.. i don’t know in what way I’m actually fraudulent but I expect that they will uncover something about me that I don’t even know and decide that we aren’t going ot be friends anymore..  wow.. I had never articulated that feeling before.. but i do have it. strange. I’m fucked.

Personally I am feeling.. engaged again for the first time in a while.  I’m happy. I have stopped longing for my life to be something else.. I realised that I’m actually absolutely living the life I want..  even though it doesn’t allow much in terms of security or regular lovers or the potential for any kind of relationship..  it does allow me to be in the moment and it forces me to listen to the moment more and to find love, beauty and change everywhere.  It encourages me (although I don’t always heed it) to live bravely and say what I feel and want.. I’m feeling a bit cowardly at the moment.  I’m riding the wave at the moment.

I’ve noticed a shift in myself lately.. initially in adjectives people have used to describe me.. like patient and understanding and funny..   I’m not sure I’ve always been those things.  I think perhaps with age I’m becoming less abrasive and less scared.  More grounded and less constantly seeking groundedness.  I still think I’m hugely impatient and I can be understanding I guess.. but often I do that because it’s easier for me to be understanding than confrontational..  confrontation rarely solves problems.  ..and as for funny well I think I’ve always been funny but other people rarely think so..  BUT for the record I’m tough and scary as fuck and that is all there is to it.

I have an amazing relationship with my manager now.. she’s incredible and supportive and won’t take my shit which is exactly what I need.. and she’s good with money and tax and admin and all the shit that I’m terrible at and when I’m forced to deal with them – I don’t want to be a director anymore..  Kath her name is.. and we’re going to take over the world. she surprised me with her presence this weekend at fringe. i love her.

I’m crying and I’m really not sure why.  It could just be sleepy.. it could be something I’m not dealing with.. it could be just because I need to eat better.. fucks me.  I want to continue to make art.. tomorrow I’m doing a mini creative development for a new work that I know nothing about yet.  I want to channel a force that encourages life, openess and living, love, bravery, fearlessness, joy.. I think it’s only through doing that we can find hope for our future.. and I want to do that not just in my work but as a person.

little steps.
towards.

my.

smiling.

death.

ps. I want to be reborn as a bisexual french punk girl with great tits..  a rimbaud for the 2100’s..

pps. I want to make another butoh show..

ppps.  I love you, most likely.

()